Another beautiful walk that makes me realise how stupid we are to travel abroad when there is so much pleasure to be enjoyed here in the UK without having to endure the miseries of airports and the costs of foreign travel. As a Doge of Venice exclaimed: “Why should I travel when I have already arrived?”
The kindness of strangers
We have been much blessed with the kindness of strangers, people hitherto unknown to us who have offered the most generous of hospitality. It is a breach of confidence in this commentary to name them individually, but they know who they are and our heartfelt thank you from us.
Suddenly one day there is a voice from God: “From henceforth thou shall not be able to put on your socks unaided” and so it came about.
Inevitably some hosts have strong views on the Palestine and Israel conflict. I confine my self to a story recently told me by a Jewish friend.
A Rabbi and a vicar died and they both went to heaven and, as is the custom, they at once sought an interview with God.
“Dear God,” said the Rabbi, “ please tell us whether or not will there be peace between Palestine and Israel and, if so, when?”
God thought for a moment and replied: “ yes of course there will be… but not in my lifetime.”
Wounded Healer
“Humankind cannot bear very much reality.”
TS Eliot
A godson was deserted by his wife and at the same time he lost his job. I was reminded of the words above. When he asked me for advice, I wrote him the following letter:
Dear Ed,
First, the easy one, the job. The greatest problem you’ll face (and I tell you this from firsthand experience) is a loss of self-esteem. Confidence is such a delicate flower, and its withering is always painful and devastating – it takes a long time to recover. It must be restored incrementally, brick by brick, but it’s a tortuous process. It’s best not to go for job interviews until you have rehearsed your performance, for each rejection can compound the misery and underscore the loss of confidence.
The second is more complex and wounding, especially as you are sensitive. We only met Melanie briefly, so what I’m about to write is a general observation of what happens in the vast majority of cases.
Melanie wants to convince herself that, even though she is breaking her marriage vows, damaging your children and hurting you grievously, she remains a “good” person. She must do this not only to maintain her sense of self-worth, but also to convince her friends, family and later, the children, of her virtue.
So how does Melanie do this? Easy. She alters reality to accommodate what she wants to believe, and she highlights your many faults. Of course, we all have shortcomings –lazy/workaholic, boring/hyperactive, mean/extravagant, the “fire is out” and it’s all down to you, and so on. It really doesn’t matter much which faults she lists because humankind is not very good at inventing new ones.
Then comes the dramatisation of your flaws with illustrative stories (and the invention of a few others for good measure). In this way, Melanie convinces herself and her audience that leaving you is the only reasonable way forward.
This performance is called “cognitive dissonance” (CD) – the invention of a new reality to fit what the “victim” wants to believe, and it’s a commonplace. The most egregious example of CD I know of concerns a wealthy Catholic lady who sought to annul her marriage on grounds of “non-consummation”. One flaw in her pleading was the existence of three lusty sons, so the RCs found the argument a bit of a stretch. But anyway, she nipped off to have a fling with a local CoE vicar and then she discovered that what he wanted wasn’t “love” but a “nurse with a purse”.
Of course, the whole thing ended in bitter tears – she was ditched, he defrocked. Yet to this day, the lady maintains her holiness. It’s not easy but she manages heroically, for where there’s a will, there’s always a way. (I swear this is true).
This sort of thing has happened repeatedly amongst our friends – and we’ve stopped listening to the stories because they are rubbish. But of course, the wicked old world laps them up!
How should you react? Well, the last thing I’d advise is to try and convince Melanie that she’s wrong. Totally pointless.
Now you know the process, don’t believe any of the garbage about your alleged character flaws. You are a fine man and in time other romantic paths will open for you. I should add that over the years, my Jane has had countless reasons to boot me out, but for some reason, she never did. No skill on my part, just fortune and grace that I found a tolerant and faithful lady.
First what not to do. Don’t wallow in self-pity or indulge in that never-ending chorus, “Oh, woe is me for I am undone, and a victim.” That way lies despair and the bottle, and many of your friendships will fall by the wayside – and then Melanie will feel justified!
To minimise the damage suffered by you and your children, accept that the marriage is over. For until you do this, you will remain paralysed in the bog of despond. Then you need to adopt total forgiveness and grace. It’s tough, of course, but once you take this path, healing begins. No recriminations, no eye rolling, no arguments. But if you don’t forgive, it’s like drinking a bottle of poison and waiting for someone else to die.
You now have spun-gold experience and can be a “wounded healer” – for in time, you’ll be able to help others with similar problems. And, of course, you now know who your true friends are – and you know more about yourself.
I’m sure that, when the time is right, you’ll find a new career and another partner. You’ll get through these hard times – I guarantee that.
From your loving Godfather.
Names have been changed to protect privacy